


[MST] No, Call 911 Instead!

by Ki_no_Shirayuki



Series: jumping on the Frollo Freak bandwagon [4]
Category: The Hunchback of Notre Dame (1996)
Genre: F/M, MST3k-Style Riffing, Mary Sue, Need Brain Bleach, Phone Calls & Telephones, Snark, Voice Acting, WTF
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-10-04
Updated: 2018-04-26
Packaged: 2019-01-08 19:59:49
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 6,396
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12261108
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Ki_no_Shirayuki/pseuds/Ki_no_Shirayuki
Summary: Since Yukiko has gone broke buying too much brain bleach to withstand Frollo Freak/Crazed Writer's adult-content fics, she's now sporking a slightly less squicky but no less horrible fic of hers.





	1. Part One: The Set Up

**Author's Note:**

  * Inspired by [Call 1-900-Claude Frollo](https://archiveofourown.org/external_works/327207) by Frollo Freak/Crazed Writer. 



"Fascinating publication", Claude Frollo said as he leafed through the local alternative newspaper.  
**You just have to start the fic with Ollorf's "favorably commenting" on anything and everything related to "Americana".**

He dropped by unexpectedly,  
**Which is just plain rude.**

and since I had nothing special planned on this cold, rainy Saturday, I was more than pleased to enjoy his company.  
We had just finished a nice lunch and watched an old Western on my television (yes, I  _had_  to explain the wonders of TV; it wasn't easy).  
**I'm not surprised. After all, she's been fucking up the space-time continuum for ages.**

"I never miss an issue", I replied, "it's a nice alternative to our mainstream paper."  
**Wait, so we're talking about the newspaper now? You need to specify it when the last sentence is about TV, damn it!**

I watched his expression as he scanned an editorial trashing the state legislature. Claude chuckled good-humoredly  
**You keep using that word.**

as he continued to read the editor's tirades on "the worst state legislature in America".  
"You  _do_  realize that such talk would've earned this man a little vacation in my dungeons",  
**Please God, hear me… He's starting to slip back into character, now please let this continue…**

Claude Frollo laughingly  
**You keep using that word. Again.**

said. I looked at him and explained that in 20th Century America, it is common to take pot-shots at elected officials. "Baby, even entertainers poke fun at politicians. Why, even politicians rail away at each other."  
**Remember what he says about those criticizing government officials ending up in dungeons? Do you know that still holds true _today_ , in _modern times_ , in North Korea? Oh wait, you're a self-absorbed bitch who never gives a shit about any country and anyone outside of oh-so-speshul Americana anyway, never mind.**

Claude just sighed and turned the page; I guess he'll never quite understand life in the 20th Century, but he tries, and that pleases me.  
**Of fucking course, you being the Madame Grande-Ego Mary Sue you are.**

He continued to flip through the little paper, then his eyes widened in shock; he quickly sprang to his feet, and, in an outraged voice said, "WHAT?"  
I didn't know what came over him;  
**Neither do I!**

I asked him, "Claude? What's the matter?" Claude Frollo glared at me, then tossed the paper in my lap. He stood before me and said, "How  _dare_  they print such garbage! My love, of all people, how could you bring such a rag into your home?"  
**Wow wow wow, calm down, dude! What is it with your sudden and unexplained mood changes? You're always giggling one moment and then outraged the next!**

My eyes quickly scanned the offending page; I tried not to laugh, for the entire page advertised those "900" phone numbers.  
"Claude, honey", I began, trying to hide my amusement, "these are passion-by-phone services.  
**Whut.**

How can I explain it...Baby, I don't patronize this junk!" Claude's face still registered his disapproval.  
**Go Frollo! Go Frollo!**

 _Honestly, with all he does...all his ladies...he's got his nerve...playing 'morally outraged'..._  
**She deserves a gold star for finally realizing how hypocritical he is _(spits)_.**

Claude must've sensed my thoughts,  
**Oh, her Mary Sue powers are so strong he turns into a psychic just to further cater to her every whims and desires!**

for he softened his tone, then he said,"Do you mean to say that some actually  _pay_  for this...just to hear someone...er...speak of passion?"  
"Oh yes",  
**Pfft, in Japan, they have made a huge _industry_ out of this, people can and do work _full-time_ on it, and they receive much better pay. It's called "voice acting".  Well, it's just _part_ of voice acting, but still.**

I replied. "Take one poor, lonely guy. He hasn't had a date in months...years."  
**Has it ever occured to you that people can be completely _happy_ being single? I fucking wish this fucking single-shaming thing would fucking go to hell.**

Claude then started chuckling as I continued to explain. "Then he's at home alone on Saturday night; he needs someone to talk to, so he calls 1-900-something and...voila! A fantasy date is born." Claude, now fully amused, asked, "And exactly  _who's_  on the other end?  
**A human being.**

One of these voluptuous ladies?" He pointed out a picture of a twenty-something blonde, with her size-20 cleavage spilling out of her size-7 top.  
"That's who he  _thinks_  is on the other end", I said between giggles, "when in all likelihood, the sexy female voice belongs to a fiftyish, frumpy spinster  
**Now that's just sexist _and_ ageist.**

who's just trying to earn a little pocket change."  
**How about "independent granny trying to make a living for herself"? 'Sides, if her voice is that sexy, she should have gotten into professional voice acting.**

Claude Frollo just shook his head and sighed, "I'll never quite understand your 20th Century."  
**Because you don't have to.**

Then he added, "I'm confident that  _you_  don't indulge in this mindless activity."  
**HOLD IT RIGHT THERE DUDE, I'm offended by that last one. A lot of my friends listen to fanservice audio plays all the time and are still sane and complex human beings!**

I stared at him with mock amazement. "Claude Frollo, I have better things to do with my time... _and_  my money.  
**Like donating to charity or a human rights organization or helping North Korean defectors. LOLJK."**

Besides, why would I want to talk to some strange man for comfort and excitement?  
**But that's exactly how you and Ollorf got together! You know, you trying to get the attention of a man you've never met because ZOMGHESSOHOT.**

I got a good thing going on right here."  
**Urggggggh.**

And with that, I got up and embraced Claude; I raised my face to be kissed.  
**Oh fuck no.**

Claude softly laughed, then kissed my lips.  
**FUCKKKKKK. _(barfs)_**

"Well, enough of this", he said; Claude continued to kiss me and hold me close.  
**I thought I would have no need for brain bleach sporking this. I couldn't have been more wrong.**

 _Mmmm...feels so good to hold him...I really love this man..._  
**The man who goes on a genocidal massacre over his boner. I can totally see why one would fall in love with him _(sarcasm)._**

Suddenly Claude asked, "Do women make those...ahem...calls?"  
**How is it any of your concern?**

"I thought you didn't want to discuss this anymore", I said.  
"Just curious", he replied.  
**Just shut up already, creepy old fuck.**

…I lightly traced his fine, angular features  
**And you too, you bloody twat.**

and said, "If they do, they're mighty lonely women...  
**Fuck you and your single-shaming to _hell_! One of my _teachers_ listens to that kind of stuff and she's still happily _married_!**

hmmm...or maybe just out of curiosity." I looked at him quizzically, but said nothing.  
**Thank God the bitch shut up.**

*******

Later that evening, as I prepared to go out with Claude, I heard him on the telephone.

 _Claude Frollo's using MY phone? Why? WHO is he calling?_  
**How is it any of your fucking concern? Can't he just _borrow_ your phone for a while to contact someone?**

 _He's never used the phone before..._  
**But I thought you have taught him all about the wonders of technology.**

"Ready to go, my darling?", Claude asked, smiling broadly. We decided to take in a play then a late-night supper  
**Or you can say "dinner".**

downtown. "Why were you on the phone, Claude?", I asked apprehensively.  
**HOW IS IT ANY OF YOUR STINKING CONCERN?!**

Claude Frollo kept smiling as he quickly replied, "Oh...just a surprise for a special lady." He then took me in his arms and kissed me. I couldn't help but feel uneasy;  
**But you're just one of his long string of lovers, you _know_ it, and you _said_ you don't mind. Uggh.**

Claude's always been very upfront with me, especially after that summer, when he revealed all those secrets...  
**No need to remind me of it.**

Claude looked at me with loving eyes and sweetly  
**You keep using that word. Again. Again.**

said, "My love, don't worry! You know I would never do anything to hurt you!"  
**"But I would go out of my way to hurt the innocent Romani people of Paris!"**

He kissed me again, saying, "Now, I wish to discuss this no more, for I am looking forward to a pleasant evening with you, my sweetness." When Claude Frollo kisses like that, smiles like that, and talks like that...  
**I barf.**

We had a pleasant evening; but, in the back of my mind, I kept wondering what Claude Frollo was up to.  
**That can't be good. But if he's planning to assassinate Danisha, then I'm all for it.**

Then he wouldn't tell me until  _after_  the deed was done. I had to learn that from some poor guy while shopping at Wal-Mart.  
**Let's hope he's actually hiring assassins to kill Danisha. PLZPLZPLZPLZ.**

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Aaand that was just the first chapter…


	2. Part Two: The Call

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which Yukiko starts to sound like an annoyed British.

I sat in the restaurant, waiting for Claude.  _What's taking so long?_  
**He's running away from you.**

He said he was just going across the street to buy some flowers for me. After nearly a half-hour,  
**You mean "nearly half an hour."**

Claude Frollo returned to the table, smiling broadly and carrying a bouquet of tulips.  _Oh Claude, you know how much I love tulips..._  
**I'll make you know if you don't, tee-hee.**

But I was still ticked with him being gone so long. Plus there was that mysterious telephone call Claude made at my home.  
**How is it any of your bloody concern? HE JUST BORROWED YOUR PHONE TO CONTACT SOMEONE BECAUSE HE DOESN'T HAVE ONE OF HIS OWN. Jeez.**

He still wouldn't reveal any details, other than he wanted to 'surprise' a special lady.  
**But that's a detail, now isn't it? Besides, not that you see many men openly admitting to _cheating_ on their partners and then still expect their current lover to stay in a relationship with them _(spits blood)_.**

Well, I'm the only lady with him now;  
**I beg your fucking pardon? ( _coughcoughFSMscoughcough)_**

unless, Claude's got himself another woman.  
**And now you know?**

Honestly! How does he keep up?  
**Excellent question.**

 _Vitamin E shots?_  
**Defying the laws of biology.**

"My darling Danisha, that is a wicked-woman smile. Now, love, what _are_ you thinking?",  
**"How is it any of your motherfucking concern, Claude?"**

asked Claude Frollo as he spotted me covering a broad smile of my own.  
"Claude", I finally told him, "you have simply  _got_  to tell me: What is going on?"  
**He's _cheating_ on you, bloody darn it!**

Claude Frollo eyes met mine as he sipped his wine. "My dearest one", replied Claude, "perhaps some of  _your_  kindness  
**Which is non-existent.**

has rubbed off on me."  
"What do you mean, Claude Frollo", I asked warily. Claude Frollo smiled, saying, "Let's just say that a certain young lady has found a little sunshine amongst the dark clouds."  
**I'm sorry?**

'Little sunshine', my foot! I finally realized what Claude was up to, but to what extent, I didn't know.  
When I finally heard the whole story, I had to summon all my courage just to keep from laughing my head off...  
**Wait… what exactly did those previous sentences mean? Forgive me, but I think too many of my brain cells died reading this travesty for me to figure out.**

**********  
**Let's Have a Tea Break!**

 _Dear Readers: While Nisha and Claude are enjoying a pleasant dinner, let's read about that 'special' lady. His Grace was right; she needed some - ahem - sunshine._  
**Unneccessary and lame fourth-wall breaking.**

What a day! Faye  
**The entire Cowboy Bebop fandom gang up and beat CW to death. The end.**

walked into her room, kicked off her shoes, and flopped down on the bed. She had been out all day looking for work, finally landing a plum position at a prestigous  
**PRESTIGIOUS.**

law firm. "Finally!", she said aloud, "I can move out of Mom and Dad's. I need a place of my own." Faye paused as she flipped through the local alternative newspaper. "I also need a man",  
**Because your having found a job to support yourself is nothing, you're just not _complete_ without a man!**

she said as she scanned the personal ads. "I'm sure not gonna find a man this way", Faye said dejectedly, casting the paper to the floor.  
She changed her clothes, then planned to order a pizza. After all, this was her parents' dinner-and-movie night; Faye would be alone most of the evening. She searched through the Rolodex for the pizza delivery service, stooping down to pick up the paper.  _Wonder what band is playing at the Vogue?_  
_**(yawns)**_

She flipped through the pages, then her eyes focused on something she'd never seen before.

> Ladies Only!  
>  Is your man inattentive to your needs?  
>  Are you in need of a shoulder to cry on?  
>  There  _is_  a solution!  
>  **I _really_ don't like where this is going.**
> 
> For ALL your romantic fantasies  
>  Are as close as your telephone  
>  **But phones don't have shoulders.**
> 
> Call 1-900-Claude-Frollo  
>  **But how the hell does he manage to create his own telephone service and even get an ad on a newspaper in so short a time? Just… HOW?**

> $4.95 for the first minute; $2.50 for each additional minute. All Major Credit Cards accepted.  
>  **And he's also using _Danisha's_ phone for this shit too. This is just fucked up.**

Faye's eyes widened. "They've never done this for women!  
**They do this for women _all the time_ in Japan. Almost all fanservice audio plays there are done exclusively by male voice actors.**

It's about time!" She giggled as she rifled through her purse for her Visa card. "Why not?", Faye said as she dialed the number, "I have no man, and I could use a little fun. What's $10.00 for a few minutes of fun?"  
An operator requested the necessary information from Faye, then connected her with her fantasy lover. Faye's heart pounded as she waited, her breathing became heavier, her palms sweatier.  _Why am I doing this? This is crazy! For all I know this man could be bald, has a beer gut, still lives with his mother..._  
**Or a genocidal racist who tried to kill a baby and burn down an entire city over one woman who got his loins fired up. Also, nice prejudice against conventionally unattractive men and men still living with their parents there.**

Faye flopped to the bed when she heard the deepest, sexiest, manliest voice  
_**(groans)**_

on the other end.  
"Hello, Faye", said the man.  _Ooh...I LOVE his voice!_  "My name is Claude Frollo."  
**No, you're stealing Claude Frollo's name. Your name is Edualc Ollorf the Gary Stu.**

Faye tried hard to keep her nervousness under control as she listened intently to this man.  _He has the **sexiest**  voice! I wonder what he looks like..._  
**A scary, stick-thin old fuck.**

At last, this man managed to soothe Faye's jitteriness. They talked for hours; she completely forgot about the pizza.  _Who needs food?_  
**Everyone?**

 _I got a **MAN**_  
**Because a man is more important than basic biological needs!**

 _talking to me...Oooh, the things he's saying...He sure knows all the **RIGHT**  words_!  
Faye hadn't realized that she'd been talking to this man for nearly  _ **two**_  hours!  _Oh no! My VISA card's gonna be maxed out for sure...and just when I landed that job...don't need to go into debt just to talk to some strange man..._  
**Then hang up and never — I repeat, _never_ — talk to him again!**

"Faye", said Claude Frollo, "I hope you'll like your new job."  _WHAT?! **He**  got me that job? No wonder they liked me right away!_"Now, my dear", Claude cooed, "that senior partner is a 'friend of a friend'.  
**I'm sorry? Who is a who of a who?**

I thought I'd return a kindness.  
**THE kindness.**

You are pleased, aren't you?"  
"Of course, I'm thrilled, but...", Faye said. She heard Claude laughingly  
**You keep using that word. Again. Again. Again.**

say, "My dear, I am confident you will be splendid. Now..."   
He continued to sweet-talk Faye, cooing sultry, passionate words, while Faye trembled with ecstasy.  _Who is this man?_  
**An evil guy who treats his adoptive son like shit and attempts genocide.**

 _Where can I find a man like this?_  
**Nowhere. He's a fictional character.**

Then, Claude told her to "go to your local cinema; you can meet me there." He then gave her further instructions. "You will see me there. Until we meet again, dear heart." With that, he said good-bye.  
**Good. Now begone. She doesn't need an evil monster like you in her life.**

Faye hung up the phone, then sat on her bed and pondered all his words.  _That's weird...why the movie theater? I've never seen that picture...wonder what he meant?_  
**_(gasp)_ Are you expecting Edualc Ollorf to make sense?**

At that moment, her mother appeared at Faye's bedroom door. "Faye?", said Mom, "did you find a job, honey?" Faye replied ecstatically, "Yes! I landed a job with one of the classiest law firms in town! And all because some kind gentleman  
**_(sips tea)_ I've been waiting for an eternity for him to show his kindness.**

suggested I'd be an asset to the firm. Isn't that great?"  
"Oh, honey", said Mom, "I knew you'd find a good job 枛  
**Cleaning all the wood chips on the office floor. That Chinese character means "wood chips."**

a  _career_  no less!" Faye hugged her mother, then suggested a celebration luncheon and a movie. "It'll be just us 枛  
**Covered in wood chips.**

you, Dad, and me. We can take in  
**You keep using that word. Again. Again. Again. Again. What's so wrong about simply _watching_ a movie?**

that new Disney movie."

**********

In the darkness of the theater, Faye and her parents watched the film. When  **he** appeared, then spoke his first lines, "Bring these gypsy vermin to the Palace of Justice", Faye's heart leapt to her throat.  
_Oh No! That's... **HIM**_!  
**Yep, that's him, the Obviously Evil villain from the get-go. Are you disillusioned now?**

Faye's eyes were riveted to this man; she hung on his every word and movement. Even her mom couldn't keep from getting all flustered.  
**OH FUCK NO. Just stop this shit already, CW. Not everyone's going to fall over your man, especially when these two are watching the _movie_ , where he's exactly every bit as horrible as he really is!**

She leaned over to Faye and whispered, "For a villain, he's sure cute...  
**CUTE MY ARSE.**

nice, manly voice." Faye whispered back, "Mom, I...that's the man who got me the job...I spoke to him last night...I swear... **THAT'S** him!"  
**And she's gonna think you crazy because you said you got a job offer from a _fictional character._**

Dad leaned over and shushed the women. "Will you gals hush! I'm trying to watch the movie!"  
**Damn, I like this guy.**

That said, Faye and her mom sat, silently drooling over the man on the screen...  
**These two need to be kicked out of the theatre for making noise _and_ making a mess of the place.**

the man who called himself Claude Frollo...


	3. Chapter 3: The Fallout

Several days passed since that strange episode as I kept myself occupied with mundane tasks. Claude was back in Paris, in his own time.  
**And never returning again.**

Neither one of us mentioned his mysterious phone calls nor the identity of a certain woman who was the beneficiary of Claude's sudden attack of charity.  
**And I'd rather you didn't, because we don't care about her. Can the story end now? Please?**

So I just put all of that out of my mind, that is, until I had a chance encounter with an old schoolmate.  
**I said I don't care!**

I was downtown, doing some minor errands, when I ran into Monica,  
**Should I start a counter for "OCs who we will never give a shit about?"**

one of my old buddies from high school. Monica had recently been named senior partner of the law firm for which she worked.  
**Blahblahblah I said, I DON'T FUCKING CARE!**

We managed to keep in contact with each other, and I even introduced her to Claude once -- Make that  **ONE**  time!  
**No, seriously, why the hell are you so possessive and insecure all the time? You get jealous any time he talks to another woman, and if this doesn't indicate an abusive relationship, then I don't know what does.**

I had no idea that Monica would later receive a phone call from Claude Frollo, much less arrange to get a young lady a job.  
**So, an evil murderous monster of a man is now a do-gooding perfect Gary Stu angel. Now you see why I call him Edualc Ollorf?**

"Nisha!", said Monica with surprised delight. "Do I have wonderful news for you!" She offered to treat me to lunch, and since I had nothing special planned that afternoon, I said OK.  
**We don't care. Get to the damn point.**

"Nisha, I want to thank you for introducing me to that nice gentleman.  
**Nice? Since when?**

He called me last week and asked if I would do a favor for you guys."  
"A favor?", I asked, not exactly knowing what Monica was talking about.  
**Neither do we about this entire fucking story!**

Monica then went on to explain how a young lady -- one of my former students -- needed a job in the worst way. This was Faye,  
**The Cowboy Bebop fandom still hasn't forgiven you, CW!**

a very sweet, bright young lady who I always said would go far.  
**But yet we see nothing that supports this statement. Has CW ever heard of "show, don't tell"?**

Faye was still living at home.  
**And why is it a bad thing?**

Even after graduating from business school, she had yet to find a job.  
I told Claude all about her and her family: How her dad had been downsized months ago, and how her mom had to take on a full-time job to make ends meet.  
**You make it sound like a bad thing, which makes an awesome message to send to working women who support their families everywhere _(sarcasm)_.**

And I told him how Faye had frantically searched for employment. "After all", I told him, "she wants to be able to take care of her parents, just as they'd been taking care of her."  
**Rather than, y'know, taking care of _herself_?**

Monica then told me that when Faye came in for her interview, everyone was extremely impressed. "She's a real dynamo -- a real go-getter.  
**Again, show, don't tell.**

We would've hired her even without your friend's imput.  
**INPUT.**

But since he is a city magistrate, and from  ** _Paris_**  of all places,  
**How is this important? He is from another country, he has no power here!**

well..."  
**Oh, he's French, and French makes everything sexier. My bad.**

 _So...Claude calls Monica just to help out Faye..._  
**Look, I'm all for helping people and being decent human beings, but does it hurt to think things through so you don't end up causing more harm than good?**

 _and I thought he was doing something dirty. I'm going to call him tonight...and thank him. He can be so sweet..._  
_**(vomits)**_

 _sometimes he scares me being so thoughtful..._  
_**(vomits harder)**_

 _It's just not keeping with his character._  
**Oh good, at least you've finally wisen up about his OOC-ness**

 _But...No Matter..._  
**… I spoke too soon.**

After my lunch with Monica, I decided to head out to Wal-Mart and pick up some yarn. I planned on crocheting another afghan;  
**How is this relevant?**

this one would be for Renée, who, according to Claude, had just landed a plum assignment: designing and assembling ballgowns for the ladies of a prominent French family.  
_Wow! Renée landing that cool job -- and she's only thirteen!_  
**Ah, medieval kids landing jobs they're obviously too young for. I feel so old.**

I drove out to the Northside Wal-Mart, hoping to buy my yarn, plus a few other items, then return home. I wanted to contact Claude as soon as possible, perhaps treat him to a nice evening at home with dinner and a movie.  _I'll make it nice and easy. Dinner? Call the Chinese take-out._  
**So it's not just American food Danisha is forcing on him, she also forces food from _other countries_ on him too? Okay then…**

 _Movie? Blockbuster's!_ **  
**

It didn't take long to choose the colors, throw the yarn into my cart, and pick up other items. I wheeled my cart to the video department.  
_**(yawns)**_

 _Hmm...wonder if I can buy an old movie...maybe some silly old sitcoms...save me a trip to Blockbuster..._  
**Not the gratuitous ellipses again. What's wrong with having a fucking _full-stop_ in your internal monologues? That, and put a fucking full-stop to all this stupid internal monologuing already! Isn't this story in first-person?**

 _Now let's see... **I Love Lucy, Beverly Hillbillies**...He's seen those...How about... **Andy Griffith**...Yeah! Claude's never seen Andy, Barney, Goober...This should please him..._  
**I don't fucking care.**

I was ready to head to the checkout, when  **it**  caught my eye. A larger-than-life poster of  **that**  film. Above the poster was a sign:  **NOW ON VIDEO!**  I moved closer, and examined this poster.  _Yep...thee they are!_  
**Now with Ye Olde Butcherede Englishe.**

In living color were the beloved characters from Disney's  _ **The Hunchback of Notre Dame**_. My eyes fell upon the likenesses of Quasi, Phoebus, Esmeralda and Clopin, and of course, Judge Claude Frollo.  
_Look at him...staring out as if to say, "Come here, darling"...got that little grin...Ooh...those eyes...those hands...those lips...his fine chiseled features...those clothes._  
**A full-stop. _Finally_. Also, quit your stupid fangirl gushing already. It's grating as fuck.**

 _And no one here knows that I know you personally, sugarbritches...I mean, REAL personally._  
**You fucked a fictional character. Okay then.**

I continued to stare at his likeness, totally oblivious to the people around me.  
**As is always.**

I almost didn't notice the middle-aged gentleman standing nearby. His strongly Hoosier accented voice caught my attention as he said, somewhat indignently,  
**INDIGNANTLY.**

"That man ain't been nothin' but trouble!  
**Yes to all of that statement.**

Ever since we saw that movie, my wife and daughter have talked of nothing else!"  
**Again, why in all of the three-thousand worlds does Claude Frollo have fangirls? He's abusive, racist, rapist, murderous and self-righteous, and is also deliberately made unattractive. Disney had gone out of their way to prevent him from Draco in Leather Pants, and yet he's still subject to it anyway! _Why?_**

I wheeled around and beheld this man. He appeared in his late fifties, his grey-blue eyes fiery, and his sparse white hair seemed to stand on end as he continued his tirade.  
"What?", I asked apprehensively, not sure exactly why this man was so upset.  
**But I know why. Because he's stuck in a massive fanwanking Suefest, that's why.**

The man then said, "I'm sorry, but for the past few days, these women have been going on and on. Why, they're at the movies right now! Munchin' on their popcorn, and waitin' for That Man to appear on the screen!"  
I glanced at Claude's likeness, then my eyes focused on the gentleman standing before me. It didn't take long for me to realize the identity of this man.  
**Turns out, he's a PPC who then immediately kills the Sue and saves the HoND canon. The end.**

"Mr. Brown? Faye's father? Don't you rememeber? We met during the Homecoming Parade -- I was one of Faye's teachers."  
**Again, this idiot is a _teacher_.**

Mr. Brown looked at me for a few seconds, then exclaimed, "Now I remember you! Yeah! That was some game wasn't it!" Now, I wasn't about to burst Bob Brown's bubble.  
**You can't talk about bursting others' bubbles when you're stuck in a huge one yourself.**

 _Uh...I wasn't at the game that year...I had *other* things to do...(See **Back to the Frollo: Ch. 20** )_  
**Oh yeah, that time you skipped the game you promised your friend you would go _without telling her_ because your zomghawt boyfriend was more important! You bitch!**

I glanced again at Claude's picture, wondering if...  
_Oh No! Claude called Monica...Faye gets hired on the spot...No wonder...But what has he done **NOW**?_  
**He wouldn't have done such a thing if you hadn't rendered him OOC, you idiot!**

"Mr. Brown, maybe you should tell me, exactly, what Claude Frollo has done...I mean, to your wife and Faye."  
**_You_ are the one who needs to explain to the HoND fandom, because his Gary Stu-ness is all your fault!**

Bob Brown went on to tell me how Faye and Belva Brown were so taken by Claude Frollo that "they go to the movies every weekend. They'd bought that CD and play it to death, especially that "Hellfire" song. I'm tellin' you, ma'am, all they do is talk about 'what Claude did' and 'what Claude said'.  
**Again, that man has _fangirls_.**

It's enough to drive a poor man to drink."  
**And this girl over here.**

I tried to keep from laughing, but I managed to keep a straight face when I commented, "But Mr. Brown, this is a cartoon character.  
**Whom you're also falling for. Your hypocrisy is showing.**

Are you saying your wife and daughter are smitten by a...'toon?"  
**This is sadly Truth in Television, as there have been multiple cases of fans _marrying_ cartoon characters. To all those fans as well as the two in here: you need help.**

Bob Brown replied, "It don't matter if he's a cartoon or a live actor. All I know is that my wife hasn't cooked in over a week. My daughter's bought all this Frollo stuff: posters, keyrings, coffee mugs. Why this is worst  
**WORSE.**

than Elvis, or the Beatles!"

I was silent for a few moments, then I said, "Mr. Brown, relax. This is just an innocent infatuation; I'm sure it will pass."  _Uh-huh...and so's an ice cube's chance in Hell._  
**You know there's a Frozen Hell, right?**

Bob Brown sighed, then said, "Pass, my foot! Why my wife's done sent off to Frederick's of Hollywood for 'something sexy'. I mean, you should see her! Tight day-glow pants and skimpy tops. I took one look at her and said, 'Belva Jean Brown, what do you have on?!'"  
_**(reaches through the screen and offers him brain bleach)**_

Now I really wanted to laugh.  _He did it again...Got some poor middle-aged Mama all worked up...  
_**Again, he's intentionally designed to be unattractive.**

and Faye...Oops! I forgot to ask about Faye's job!

Mr. Brown then went on to say that Faye was settling in nicely. "She's doing just fine. She plans on looking for an apartment this summer. But that Frollo fellow...It's all she talks about.  
**I sympathize with you, sir.**

Why, she's even torn off the Alan Jackson posters in her room. All I see now is pictures of this Frollo fellow."  
**The HORROR, I know.**

I walked Bob to the checkout while he continued to lament over the women in his life.  
**If I had a spouse and a child like that, I'd lament too.**

They'd falled  
**FALLEN.**

head-over-heels in love with Judge Claude Frollo.  
**Whoever falls madly in love with a horrible man like that — CW included — _seriously_ needs a reality check.**

Then he snapped his fingers and said, "I almost forgot what I came in here for."  
"And what was that?", I asked.  
Bob Brown sighed again when he wearily replied, "I gotta go get them a copy of that video. You know, the one with  _him_! These women! I'm tellin' you! Now they'll be laying up in the bed watchin' this man 24-hours-a-day!"  
**Then what are you waiting for? You need to _snap them back to reality_! Explain to them that this is a bad guy and you ain't wasting your hard-earned dollars for this stupid crap!**

Poor Bob!  _Well...I guess I'll have to call Claude...tell him what wonders he has wrought..._  
**Like killing innocent people and abusing his adoptive son and having folks fall for him when he doesn't even deserve it?**

I soon returned home, ordered dinner from my favorite Chinese restaurant,  
**Unfortunately, Yukiko happens to be working there (in order to pay for brain bleach). Danisha is brutally slain when Yukiko cuts her throat open with a spatula. The end.**

then got out that fabulous silver pager. I coded a sweet yet torrid message...  
**You mean "horrid"?**

` Hey sugarbritches...I suppose someone's been  _mighty_  busy...on the telephone, no less...`  
**Again with the ellipsis spam IN A PAGE. Seriously. You know that pagers have character limits, right?**

` I heard what you did for Faye...Nice move, baby...but there were some...side-effects. Come on over tonight...I bought some of that Kung Pao Shrimp you like so well...`  
**Because God forbid he like French food.**

` hot and spicy...like I'm going to get...once you get here...`  
**EWWWWW.**

` Nisha`

++++++++++

Claude Frollo doubled over in laughter when I related what had happened to the Browns.  
"I wanted to do something nice for Faye.  
**The Stu-ness is through the roof.**

I had no idea her mother would...er...fall for me",  
**"Because I'm not meant to be attractive."**

he laughingly said.  
"Claude, you really should've told me this! Poor Bob!"

I couldn't help but join in Claude's amusement, _Look at him! Thinkin' he did his 'good deed'...I am grateful, but...Look at the fallout!_

Claude and I shared a Chinese feast,  
**And then what's next, Indian food? Is it so wrong to just let him eat food from his own country?**

followed by silly old sitcoms on my TV. We snuggled next to other on the couch, laughing at the antics of Opie, Barney, Andy, Aunt Bee, and the rest of the Mayberry gang.  
**Danisha: You better laugh or I hack your head off!**

"This is quite amusing. Did I hear you correctly? You watched this program, when you were a child?"  
"That's right", came my response.  
**How is this relevant?**

We said nothing about Claude's telephone adventures, but I wanted to show him my gratitude for helping out a young lady.  
**But he's _evil_ , and… Y'know what, I'm 100% tired of this shit.**

I kissed Claude dead on the mouth. It was a full, long, juicy kiss;  
**EWWW.**

I was thrilled by his passionate and fiery response.  
"Oh Nisha...my love", Claude breathlessly said afterwards. "I hope you can forgive me...for not leveling with you."  
I kissed him again. "Sugarbritches, what is there to forgive?  
**I actually agree with the Sue here. He's unforgivable.**

You pulled a few strings, helped Faye land that job...then do your 'thang' with Faye and her mama."  
_**(groans)**_

Claude laughed, pulled me closer to him, and kissed me deeply. "You do realize I have two more things to do -- for Faye."  
**STOP BEING A STU AND RETURN TO YOUR CANON SELF! THIS IS NOT WHO YOU ARE!**

"And what is that, Claude Frollo?"  
Claude smiled, nuzzled my neck, then said, "I believe there's the matter of a creditor. Those calls can be rather expensive;  
**And you have your boyfriend to blame for that.**

Faye should not have to go into debt."  
He smiled even broader. "Then she will have to find a suitable place to live. Hmm...What is the rent on those lovely apartments Downtown? You know, that charming little neighborhood --- 'Lockerbie'?"  
I just looked at Claude and said, "No. Please don't tell me you're planning on paying her rent!  
**Not like he can do that with his medieval currency anyway. Unless he's planning on using the money he earned from voice acting (because that's what it is) to pay her rent, in which case it's still _her_ money.**

Those apartments go for..."

All I remember was lips crushing mine, and a tongue tenderly caressing the inside of my mouth.  
_**(barfs)**_

_Ooh...Sometimes he can be so...I really can't describe it...He sure has a way of 'changing the subject'..._

When Claude released me, I then asked him, "What exactly did you say to Faye? I mean...Did you...umm...talk 'that way'?"  
Claude Frollo broke down in uproarious  
**You keep using that word. Again. Again. Again. Again. Again.**

laughter, then said to me, "Nisha! I believe you're jealous!"  
"I am not jealous, Claude Frollo!  
'I am extremely jealous!"  
**Both of them are. They are in an extremely possessive and codependent relationship.**

After all, you do have EIGHTEEN other women!"  
**Even though he loses his shit over _one_ woman and considers lust a sin. Okay then.**

I then realized, "Oh no! Please don't tell you're planning on adding Faye..."  
**But as we all know, he's your twu wuv. Adding another member to his harem wouldn't make much difference.**

Claude got to his feet, pulled me by the hand, then led me upstairs. He was no longer teasing, but completely honest with me.  
**That he's tired of all her Sue bullshit and wants to go home?**

"Darling, I would never hurt you. I love you too dearly. As for Mlle. Faye Brown..well...Let's say that a young, handsome, up-and-coming lawyer will have a chance encounter with our Faye come Monday morning."  
Now I was too 'through'.  _My goodness...not only did he arrange for Faye to get that job...but...now Claude's playing matchmaker?_  
**I SAID, HE'S AN EVIL MAN WHO ABUSES HIS ADOPTIVE SON, SEXUALLY ASSAULTS A WOMAN AND BURNS DOWN INNOCENT PEOPLE! HE'S NOT A GOODY-GOODY LITTLE ANGEL WHO HELPS STRANGERS!**

Claude sensed my absolute shock; he kissed me deeply as if to soothe my worries.  _Oh yes...that did it all right...Who needs Valium...I got Dr. Claude "I'm-gonna-make-you-feel-good" Frollo...He can fill my prescription anytime._  
**AND HE'S ALSO NOT A SEX BOMB!**

"And now, my lovely Danisha, I shall talk...Ooh!...'dirty' to  ** _you_**!" I grinned broadly, gave him the "let's-do-the-wild-thang" look, then let him chase me up the stairs.  
**I'm gonna need lots audio play therapy after this Sue crapfest… For those who need it too:[Sweet Voice channel](https://youtube.com/channel/UCZ9-SgnzAUClwEZdNTdAY8w).**


End file.
